Men, work, Word and babies- what a combination!!

I really need to kick my ass into gear, I have started working on this question, but frankly i've lost all motivation at the moment. Tim has just tried to give it back to me, by telling me that assuming i'm working Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday, that leaves me only 3 days to finish this! That was great - I've deleted that text, instead of motivating me it just further depressed me!

Furthermore I just tried to coerce mike into talking to me on msn, to be greeted by 'no, England are playing' I sent a rude text back saying that he hasn't spoken to me or seen me for days, and the opportunity I offer him gets rebuffed because of football. I think that's bloody disgusting if you ask me. So I'm less important than football now. Then he told me that his new eye appointment is on the 13th July - My GRADUATION....that also got rude comments back. He has now appeared oh so graciously online to talk to me about it, so I shall leave this for a second....it's fine, it's at 9 in the morning.

Word is definitely not getting any sex! I have figured this out, not only is the paperclip annoying saying really obvious things like 'it looks like you're writing a letter, would you like some help fucking up your English spelling, punctuation and grammar and making it more American?' But it has also taken to not closing. Yes it loved me so much it refused to close, firstly telling me 'normal template already exists, do you wish to save over it?' ...I cancelled pretty quick not understanding what 'normal template' was! Then I tried again, and this time I got 'Changes have been made that affect the global template normal, do you wish to save them?'
I clicked 'no' hoping for the best, and then it closed!!! weird. Like I said, lack of sex!

Yesterday I went to Kilmersdon village fete day- Kilmersdon, supposedly the home of THE Jack and Jill (no, not you Gill), which are supposedly VERY distantly related to my mum's side of the family...we know this through tracing names back....very weird.
Met Meryn and her two brothers, whose names I cannot spell, and her mum. Her little brother is only 6, and very VERY cute- i nearly adopted him then and there. He has a hair full of blonde curls, very very cute, like I said. Anyway, his word of the week is 'psychic' I have no idea why, but he kept telling me he was psychic- I did ask him for 6 numbers between 1 and 48 but he didn't oblige! I said to Meryn's older brother 'he's modest too' at which point this 6 year old looked up at me innocently and said 'How do you know i'm modest too??' In absolute wonderment! It was great. Also while we were walking around his little hand suddenly crept into mine, which gave me pause for thought, maybe I wouldn't make such a bad mother one day, maybe Kids really do like me.....ok, stop thinking scary thoughts, not just yet, not just yet...but one day! One day in the not-too-distant-but-distant-enough future. If it was like him, I don't think I'd even mind a little boy.

I want this computer's babies!

I love my dad's new computer....I am just discovering how clever it is....put in a burned cd Mike gave me, and it asked what I wanted to play it on...Media Center was at the top, so I just assumed the computer knew what it was doing and pressed it. Next thing I know, it RECOGNISES the CD even tho it's burned (something my PC doesn't do) and had the front cover of Coheed and Cambria; Good Apollo I'm Burning Star IV, Vol 1: Through the eyes of Madness- up on the screen....with a menu. There is a lovely front cover, the computer knows what the front cover looks like!!! Intelligent. And there is a playlist, so you can skip back and forth, there are shiny buttons on the screen that let you copy it and record and play and stuff, it is exciting.

I am so impressed with this computer and 'The Suffering' has never sounded so good, as it does coming out from this sound system. I actually think I want this computer's babies, it is so intelligent, and clever.

Revelling in my new found toy I tried to explain to jack on Msn:
Ali says: my dad's new computer is AMAZING
Ali says: media center is amazing
Ali says: it knows what CD i have in the machine
Ali says: even tho it's a copied one
Ali says: and has the front cover on display
Ali says: you can scroll through the playlist
Ali says: and it's amazing
Ali says: you can do ANYTHING
Jack - www.strangecreation.com says: can it cook you a gourmet meal?

Do you know what, it wouldn't suprise me if it could!!

I was going to give pretty pictures to illustrate how amazing this device is, but unfortunately in trying to do so, I managed to take a screen shot and put it on the main part of the computer, the display, and have just spent about 10 minutes trying to get it off, and back to how Dad had it set!!! so we'll leave that I think for another time!

Jazz hands are at the forefront of our nation's security!

Woke up at 5 am feeling very confused.

'I'm in Mike's bed' I thought, 'it's a single' then I reconsidered 'no, that can't be right, I'm in my bed, stop being silly' I felt over the side of the bed with my eyes still shut 'no' I thought 'I'm definitely NOT in my bed...too small' I opened my eyes a little bit, the grey light was no use, except, the window was opposite me 'I'm in Tim's bed- the window is opposite me' then my head seemed to clear as I really took in my surroundings, the fact that I was over 4 feet in the air, the fish tank in the corner, the TINY bedroom, no trains 'No' I thought as the fuzz cleared away and relief settled in at finally knowing where I was 'I'm at home! In my bed!' I climbed down the ladder and set off in search of the bathroom, hoping it was still where I'd left it the previous evening, at the end of the hall!!

This will confuse Gill if I now don't explain that I'm going to 'backtrack'....to friday. To make this clearer I will switch to a different colour font.

I went to uni and had a free lunch, chatted to some people on our course but years below us, debated whether my Scottish tutor was part of the Maffia, made the wonderful comment of
"Yes I can see Andy as a maffia member- a hold up with a haggis!"
Then I came home and packed - that was hard to do as the previous blog will explain!! I did not have to resort to sitting on my suitcase though, something I was fairly proud of! After a rush of packing, and retrieving my toothbrush at the last moment, I set off for the train station and Worcester. There was a 'moment' where I panicked -the train was for Shrub Hill not Foregate Street, I don't really know worcester having only been there twice (once when I was 12 and on a trip with school, and the other time last summer with Mike when we went to foregate street which is right in the centre) so I was concerned that maybe Shrub Hill was on the outskirts. I phoned Tim who reassured me he would still meet me and still check the time it was due.

Half an hour later and I was getting off the train and into Tim's bright red shiny new car that worryingly requires no keys at all!
On entering Tim's flat I immediately made myself at home- suitcase was opened with a snigger from Tim who then commented 'I bet you had to sit on that to get it closed didn't you?' and an indignant reply from myself.
Slippers out....washing that I'd forgotten to get out of the machine earlier onto a dryer, and sat in front of the TV scrupulously examining tim's BOOKSHELF (that is taller than me) of DVD's. A cup of tea, and a game of mini pool (by myself) later, and I'm sat on the breakfast bar area when a funny look crosses my eye, the ground is ever so slightly wobbling (and this was before I'd been drinking)
"Did the ground just move for you?" enquires Tim
My eyes opened wide "Yes!" I said astounded.
"Ah, that'd be the trains" Tim said knowingly ...his apartment backs onto a railway line!!! It is a very odd sensation, similar only to that which you get before you realise you are on your way to being drunk and swaying.

A Bottle of wine, Spaghetti Bolognaise and half of Big Brother later and Tim decides to show me Worcester. We head off for 'Heroes' a nice little bar, in a backstreet with a regular drunk outside. It's an old building, low beams and ceilings, and although similar to snobs in the customers it holds, and the music it plays, is definitely a step up the sophistication ladder.
We settle on a settee behind an old fireplace and are shortly joined by tim's friends James and Sian. Sian is the only other person I know (not on our course or associated with work) that is a Youth Worker!

The conversation then switched to how Tim and James are integral to the Nation's security (if I told you why, I'd have to kill you!) at which point I was led back to thinking about my Birthday a week earlier in Snobs....there were Jazz hands at one point (aimed at Nic, Lucy, Gill and Kirst) from Tim....yes Tim and his Jazz hands are an integral part of our Nation's security- how safe does that make you feel?? It is, quite frankly, worrying! This is Tim, who leans on a soldering iron and ends up with a burn, cuts his finger in the lab and puts his arm on a socket leaving a nice little mark on his forearm...all in one day.
This is tim who is worried that his car is more intelligent than he is....and he is in the forefront of our nations defence. If it doesn't bother you, IT SHOULD.

We left at one with the other two and headed for home, I managed to get a few beats in on the way- yellow car in the car park, which tim contested was a white car under a funny light, and while he was contesting that, a yellow taxi pulled up!! No denying that one, Sian and James laughed aloud and witnessed it!

Back at the flat I had some water, and said goodnight, tucking myself up in Tim's bed that he gave me for the night. He claims this was because he is a good host, I claim it's so he could get a good night's sleep on the couch away from the trains that start thundering past at 5 am!

The morning brought forth packing, Bacon sandwiches, orange juice and resentment about getting beats from the previous night being dissipated. Then we set off in the shiny new car on a roadtrip home. Roadtrip! Lol, within seconds of being on the M5 we encountered the curse of Bank holiday weekends, no, not caravans, although they were out in force....TRAFFIC JAMS. On off, on off, on off.....MINI- beats....stop, start, stop, start YELLOW CAR- beats. This continued fo r a while, Tim's shoulder getting more and more bruised.

We got off the M5 at Stroud and went the scenic route! Via Yellow JCB's which I got beats for. And many Mini's which Tim got beats for. It entertained us. However, I was holding back my secret weapon for last.
Directing tim the last bit home into the city the back way (no tourists), I was thinking more and more about my secret weapon. Staying remarkably controlled. Left here, right there, straight on, over the traffic lights, turn left immediately after the traffic lights, straight up the hill, turn right and 'YELLOW VAN' lots of beats as we turned the corner into my road.

'ouuuuccchhh' exclaimed Tim knowing I had got the last laugh. 'which one is your house?'
I laughed 'the one with the yellow van outside!'

Oh sweet sweet revenge!

Tim now has a sore upper arm to add to the list of injury's!

Packing

Tonight I am travelling to Worcester to stay with Tim (who is cooking me something exciting apparently). I am currently trying to get everything into my suitcase. Why is it there is NEVER a suitcase that is JUST the right size?? It's small, compact and perfect, only it doesn't hold all the clothes/shoes/ books I want to take with me - even when it is expanded. I'm only going home for 4 nights I don't need a bigger suitcase- it looks unreasonable, AND i'll have to lugg it back on the train...but things don't quite fit into this one. I don't know what to do, and to make matters worse, because i'm dumb and have no foresight, I only washed my clothes yesterday, forgot to hang them up, so half of what i've packed is really damp... I'm hoping the plastic bag they're packed in will protect my slippers and pyjamas which I will need later...I wonder if Tim has a spindryer!

If you could spit roast a Panda and then cover it with Tiramisu, what would she say?

last night in bed (pre sleep talk as Ali wasn't tired...and didn't care whether or not Mike was):
'What do you think about us?'
'Us' Mike raised his eyebrows 'I like us'
After a moment's pause, while spooning, a moment of affection crossed me
'I love you. You're perfect'
'Ah, thankyou, I'm really not you know'
'I know' (moment of affection clearly shattered by reality)
'Thanks!- "you're perfect"..."no i'm not", "no you're not!"'
'Well, you're very almost, nearly there perfect'
'Thanks a lot!'
'You did walk into that!'
I continued:
'So is there anything I could do to be a better girlfriend?'
Mike went to open his mouth, and I quickly cut him off 'apart from not get so angry and upset?'
'Er...get me a baby orangutan?'
I thought this through, and then said: 'Panda?'
'Panda? Where did Panda come from?'
'I dont' know, I was just thinking about them- they look all sad with their big black eyes'
'That's cos they're rubbish and can't hibernate cos all they eat is shitty bamboo'
'Really?' My eyes widened 'They can't hibernate?'
'No, they don't store enough fat cos bamboo has hardly any'
'But they're huge!'
I pondered this new piece of information and then a funny image entered my mind, which speaks volumes for how my mind works on a daily basis. I was laying there thinking about how big panda's are, and then the thought of a panda above a fire, being openly roasted on a spit entered it for some unknown reason.
'Could you spit roast a panda?' I said thoughtfully.
Mike erupted into fits of laughter, at one stage burying himself in the duvet so as not to wake anyone up. I lay there feeling bemused. Mike carried on laughing, in total for about 5 minutes constantly-crouched in the foetal position, all i was presented with was his shoulders bobbing up and down from the laughing.
Eventually he pulled a semi straight face, although I could tell he was doing his best not to continue laughing. He stopped enough to look me in the eye, tears nearly rolling down his face and say:
'You do know that that's a sexual position don't you?' Before going off into another fit.
'Noooo!' I did not know, I did not know that at all, why did I not know. What was it?
'What is it?'
-more laughter followed by (with giggles) 'how could you not know...it involves a man, and a woman and another man...work it out'
While i worked it out he then said 'It was the sincerity with which you said it "can you spit roast a panda?" as though you wanted to try it...' the rest of the sentence was lost as more laughter emerged. I rolled over unamused.

I have no idea how the conversation then went, but it somehow got me saying (roughly along these lines cos BOY is being mean and won't actually re-tell it to me now):
'what's your favourite ice cream flavour?'
'Really well made vanilla'
'I had phish food the other day for the first time'
'Well, if we're talking novelty flavour then rum n raisin is always good'
'ooh I have to take you to the ice cream stall in the indoor market, they do really good tiramisu'
Mike giggled again,
'What now?' I said
'Oh that just reminds me of when I was younger and I said to sooz "I like this Tiramisu" and she said "I'm glad you like The TiramiMick!"
Mike laughed at the memory repeating it...I repeated it in my head and about a minute later fell about laughing saying 'iv'e just got it, TiramiSOO' Mike groaned.

Just done a little googling- thought Google must have something on spit roasted pandas! check it out http://www.seeuinhell.com/PandaRecipes.htm

Memories

Whilst tidying out my room today, I came across a piece of A4 lined paper, with some 'poetry' on it that I wrote aged 12. I found it when I was last home and in a fit of reminiscence I brought it back here. There is only one that I think is fitting to how I am feeling at the moment - certainly not the one so passionately and imaginatively entitled 'Homework!'. So I shall share just this one with you all, with the other night still in mind, but also deeper than that: the fact that we are finishing a significant period of our lives at the moment, that in a month or so we will all be graduating and taking the tentative steps into the next phases of our lives, out into the big wide world- whether that still be within academia, but at a higher level, or into a job - it is a daunting thought. We shall be saying goodbye to some who leave for elsewhere, travel and work; there will inevitably be promises of keeping in touch that will never be fulfilled. They say the friends you make at University are the friends you keep for life, which personally I feel to be a little short sighted - it is possible to make friends elsewhere, but true to the statement, I feel that sometimes, without good friendships I would have gone mad here, or worse: left.

Lucy has saved me more than once- never shall I forget last year just before the summer when she found me manically hoovering our hallway in floods of tears becuase everyone (especially Mike) was leaving. She gave me hugs and has done on many occasions. Without Gill's friendship over the summer I would not have laughed so much and more importantly I would not have gained a friendship I truly treasure. Nic is always ready with hugs and tea if necessary...and cool little gifts to give you a lift if you need it, such as Cow pens, or magnetic cows!! Tariq listens to everything I have to say, sometimes I think he understands, sometimes I think he just nods, but whatever I feel better- and it was he over Easter when it was just us here that found me sitting on the front doorstep having given up all hope of ever entering my house that drunken night. It was him who helped me while I was throwing up and cursing myself. Kirst always has hugs, sweets or a dvd to hand and an ever welcoming smile, I cannot think of anyone else who is so bouncy and ready to do things and go places.

Mike is my rock, always ready to placate if I need calming down, always a shoulder to cry on no matter what time of day, and often, night. It is him that I trust implicitely, it is with he that I have managed to finally realise what happiness within a relationship means. And all the other people too- Jack who I have only been friends with for a short time, but who understands my insane obsession with Theatre, and it is only he who can understand why I miss technical and dress rehearsals! Jodie, with whom I rant about our course and the inept staff that sometimes inhabit places like Student Services! Without all of these people and more, my time at university wouldn't have been half as good as it has been. All of them, in their own way, have changed my life a tiny bit; and I like to hope, that in some way, I have changed theirs too.
So as I realise I only have 17 days left at University, I feel this poem is fully justified:

Memories
Memories come straight from
the heart.
Memories are what you remember
but can't.
Memories are stirred from
deep within you.
Spelling out things which
you never knew.
Memories exist when nothing
else does.
Stirring up trouble for want
of a buzz.
You, when you got pissed out
of your mind.
The morning after the night
left behind.
Your emotions, sorrows and Secrets
all hidden.
All things which you've said
and won't be forgiven.
Lie deep within you and your
mortal soul.
And only you and yourself to
share it all.

Oh what a night!

This post is yellow as a tribute to Mike last night.....yeah we'll get on to that in a moment. So, lets start at the beginning (a very good place to start).

Congregations began here at approximately 8.30 with a sudden influx of people to our house, and much drinking and merriment. Within 5 minutes Gill had spilt her drink, and within another 2 so had Emma- is it catching I wonder, they were sat next to each other! Still the stain remover I bought over the summer came in handy (i knew it would one day). Then there was much suprise when Tariq announced he wanted everyone out of the kitchen, I just thought he wanted to cook, but then there was even more suprise when emerging from the kitchen were 2 candlelit cakes!!! I got very excited at that point as that morning I had thought "there was something missing from yesterday....CAKE, I forgot to buy a cake, I didn't have cake for my birthday....this is the first EVER birthday I've not had cake...bugger" Now there is an insight into how my mind works...yes everything revolves around food! Mike has worked this out already.
So the excitement was followed by much drinking of wine and beer and then transportation to snobs via pre ordered taxis (thankyou Rachel). Gill and I also compared blonde moments- she knew where Hastings is, and she knew where Hadrian's wall is, and annoyingly, she knew that they were no where near each other. I felt stupid until she mentioned that she thought Carlisle was in Scotland...I don't feel so bad anymore.

Although quiet to start off with it livened up pretty quickly...I had an interesting encounter with the 'freshen up' lady in the toilet, who tried to talk to me at the start of the night, thus proving that it is an extremely lonely job sitting in a toilet (well, not in, but you get the idea) saying repeatedly 'freshen up ladies'...oh what a job! She insisted on talking to me, and then hugging me at every opportunity, needless to say I escaped as quick as I could and avoided her eye contact the rest of the night for fear of more hugging! I also managed to scare Nic and Gill with the repetition of the encounter once out and back in the safety of the club (now there's a sentence I never thought I'd say!)...so much so Nic didn't want to go to the loo on her own and I had to go too (avoiding eye contact)!
Tim handed me a drink that was a DOUBLE vodka and coke. Although he denied it for ages, but he can't lie, or at least not when marginally drunk. Bizarrely ran into some people who he was at Manor with that I met once before.
A beer, and several malibu and Coke's later and Greenday made an appearance on the sound system, which resulted in much shrieking and jumping up and down on my part, dragging poeple to the dance floor to dance (duh! what else!?? Just realised how silly that sounded)

Several dances later (and text messages I don't remember sending) and Mike disappeared..literally vanished, today niether he nor I know where he went for 20 mins! But Tim found him just as he was about to leave, and so me, Rach and Mike left- leaving Tim in the club (he was meeting someone to take him home a bit later). Stopping off at Top Nosh for the compulsorary burger and I was hustled into a Taxi. Which Rach got to stop outside Tesco on Bristol Road. Mike also got out which confused me, until the TAxi driver pointed out he was throwing up into the Bournbrook. I thanked the Taxi driver, paid and then got out myself, seeing that we weren't going any further in it! I left Mike on the Bristol Road throwing up, hoping he found his way home, whilst I walked to Rach's...bad idea. I managed to block my phone, and then spent about 20 mins on the phone to the helpline from Rach's phone (thankyou Rach...again). The idiot staff that they employ to deal with drunkards like myself at 1.30am were not too clever- he told me to enter the PUK code, which I thought I did, but obviously getting it VERY wrong. He then told me to take out my sim card, which I did, and read him a number and the phone number, which I did, he then told me what phone I had (which I know!) and to put the Sim back in, which we did, but unknowingly upside down. This meant that when he asked me to turn it on, instead of the message he was expecting (whatever that is) he got read to him by me 'it says insert sim card....which we've done...what now?' his reply 'oh! er....there's nothing else I can do I'm afraid, we're going to have to send you a new Sim card, call us when you get it and we'll transfer the numbers across.'
I couldn't believe that was it, but apparently so. Rach then walked back to Mike's with me, just as well as I didn't have a clue where I was going and turned the wrong way out of her front door!

'Richard the elusive' greeted us at the door of 53, and then said 'mike's been in the toilet for 20 minutes...we think he's being sick'.
I forced Rich to walk Rach back, relaying a story of someone being beaten up the other night about 6 times first. Then went to deal with the sick....there was a fair bit...although fortunately any half digested foodstuffs went into the Bournbrook, so it was ok...and now you know the reasoning for the colour of this blog...that and what caused it- Whiskey!
Over an hour passed with us in the toilet, and then I put Mike to bed, and kipped on his floor in a spare duvet. I was fine at 7am when I woke up and got myself some breakfast and tea, and then Mike awoke, and was annoyingly fine. Then I went back to sleep for an hour, which was a mistake, because when I awoke I felt very ill....and kept feeling worse.

The hangover cure of Subway for lunch (and pizza just now for dinner) hasn't helped much suprisingly. When I did come home I went back to bed for a few hours. I have managed to unblock my phone today now that I'm sober, the woman on the other end of the phone was laughing when I told her I'd found out the sim was inserted upside down, she said 'sounds like you had a hell of a night' I was like 'er, yes'.
But it was a good night, and I hope people enjoyed themselves, cos I did. I feel bad I didn't get to talk to more people- like Jack and Lucy. Overall though, last night made up for the not so good actual Birthday, so it's all good.

Talked to Tim earlier as well to let him know there was no way I could get on a train to Worcester the state I was in...during our lengthy conversation I said 'I'm mad...I've gone mad...again' Which prompted me to reason:

If one has gone mad once, then surely to that mad person, sanity is madness, as their madness is the norm, so therefore if you were mad and go mad again, you actually become sane.

Now there's a thought-provoking and slightly confusing statement to leave you with!
xx

How I saw my Birthday in...

Finished watching a film last night with Jack and Tariq, and there was only like 5 minutes before midnight, so we all decided to wait up (like kids) and see in my Birthday. We were talking about the presents that have come through my door that kirsty has pinched and hidden (most miffed cos now I have to wait for her to wake up...and I'm awake!!!!), one of which was rather large. I was saying how knowing my Godparents it will be well packaged and a small thing in a large box. Tariq started speculating about what my presents could be, coming up with this little gem:

Tariq 'Maybe it's one of those toys that requires batteries'
Cue raucaus laughter from me and a lot of sniggering from Jack who was trying to keep a straight face. Realisation dawned quite suddenly on what he had said and poor Tariq then tried to rectify the situation, alas to no avail:

'No I mean one of those toy rabbits!'

More hysterical giggling from me, as I cried 'Tariq, please stop, you're making it worse'

We were so preoccupied with laughing at Tariq's comments of toy rabbits that need batteries (I think he meant the Duracell advert toy bunnies) that we completely missed midnight, only realising afterwards that it was now my birthday!

So, not sure what I'm going to do today, apart from at 11 go and collect an essay, and at 4.30 meet my ex English teacher, and then this evening go and gorge myself stupid at Lasan....but hopefully whatever I do, Won't invovle Battery operated toy rabbits!

Where are the Andes?

Pillow talk is amazing, after brushing up on my geographical knowledge (China is NOT an island, Hawaii is in the Pacific- and is also where they film 'LOST'- yeah i know! getting good aren't I???) I decided for our pillow talk this morning, Mike could again test me on my geographical knowledge, and this time, this time, I would impress him with it...really I would.

'Where is Madagascar?'
'Africa!' I proudly announced.
'Yes, but where abouts?'
'Ah. Um....North...'
'no'
'South'
'no'
'East?'
'yes'
'Ah-ha! I got it!' I proclaimed proudly. Mike inwardly sighed.
'And what is special about it?'
'oh....er....I dunno...oooh it's...'
'It's an island'
'yes, i was going to say that. I know that. It is an island, because of the film.'
'no, not because of the film. It was an island before the film.'
'yes.'
'And why is the island so special?'
'Er....'
'Because it broke off from Africa and floated away' Now...I'd like to point out here, if Mike hadn't mentioned the word 'floated' the next thought wouldn't have entered my head.
'So it's moving?'
'yes'
'floating?'
'Yes'
'So, you could swim under it?'
'no! not floating on water. It's floating on the mantle, the tectonic plate it's on, it broke up, so the island is floating away, but not on the top of the water!!!'
'Is it still floating?'
'probably, yes'
'but not on the water?'
'NO!'
'Give me another one'
'Where is the Bay of Biscay?'
'Italy?'
'No'
'America?'
'No'
'India?'
'NO!'
'Australia?'
'No'
'France'
'yes!! Finally. I suppose you finally got there after going 4 times round the world' Mike conceeded taking a look at my chuffed face.
A fascinating fact about Iceland and a few more countries later, and Mike is tiring of this game, we established that i've never seen a proper map, which explains a lot. And that I think that New Zealand is above, not below Australia; That China is an island; that Hawaii is in the Atlantic, That Madagascar is floating quite literally, and that India and Asia are separate- that Asia is next door to India. I was fascinated to learn that Asia is huge, encompassing all the 'ikstans' such as Kazikstan (not spelt right, spelt phoenetically), and Russia bits, and China, and Japan- but not Australia. Mike threatens to leave for a shower, so I beg him 'Just one more'

'ok, but last one'
'ok' I said grinning
'Right, where are the Andes?'
I stifled a giggle but couldn't resist 'at the end of your sleevies' I burst into laughter and a slightly annoyed look crossed Mike's face. He sighed. Quite loudly. 'You juts couldn't resist could you? You've been waiting to say that I can tell. You've never actually grown up have you?' He said looking at my impish grin whilst i giggled manically to myself.
'No i haven't!' I proclaimed, then seeing his dismayed face as realisation dawned on what (not who) he was exactly dating, I quickly changed my mind. 'Ok, the Andes, now let me think about this carefully, I don't wanna get it wrong'
'no, you don't' mike helpfully said.
'Well, they aren't the pyrannes'
'no, well spotted, they aren't'
'shh you. And they aren't the Swiss Alps'
Mike laughed 'no, I think you'll find the Swiss Alps are the Swiss Alps. They're the longest mountain range'
'yes.' I said matter of factly, thinking that Mike meant the Swiss Alps were the longest mountain range...not the Andes.
I finally, after screwing my face up and muttering things came to a conclusion 'France!' I proclaimed.
'Oh god, mary mother of jesus' Mike groaned. 'The longest mountain range and you think it can fit into France???'
'oh, you mean the Andes are the longest mountain range?'
'yes!!!'
'Switzerland?'
Groaning was my response
'Spain'
More Groaning
'China!'
The groaning got worse so I figured that was wrong
'Russia!!'
'NO!' Mike finally cracked under the pressure 'The Andes are in South America'
'Ah'
'I thought they were separating, I want to say a country'
'What country?'
'I don't know'
'Agggghhh'
'No, wait, P, P....Tibet! That's the one. I thought they separated Tibet from somewhere'
'NO, that's the Himalayas- TALLEST mountain range, not LONGEST'
'oh'
'I thought I actually thought for a moment you were going to get it right for once, that we would end on a high note, but no, you didn't- France!!!!! Switzerland????'
'Well I thought they might start in Switzerland and go down into france....'
'Go down into? Switzerland is here, France is here'- mike showed me on my imaginary pillow map
'Well they could start in Switzerland and then curve round into France and down into Spain' I finished triumphantly!
'you really are wonderfully ignorant aren't you?' Mike finished and left sharpish to have his shower before any more illusions about me being marginally clever could be shattered.

kirsty's blonde moment

This truly deserves to be blogged, happening only moments ago, it had me seriously wondering about my housemates mentality!

Kirsty knocks and enters my room 'Ali, have you seen your post today?' proudly she displays a parcel and an envelope.
'yes' I reply 'I'm waiting til thursday'
'Thursday? Oooh, Thursday' says kirsty wonderously
'Yes, Thursday. They are birthday cards and presents'
'oh, see you said your mum was sending you something, I didn't associate it with your birthday!!!'

She has, bless her, proceeded to hide them in her room in an oddly compulsive manner....making me think it's a good job she doesn't know about the huge parcel under the stairs that's been there for a month!!!!

xxx

2 years

'What shall we have for breakfast?' I asked Mike this morning (as a break from asking him how much he loves me, and why).
'Er...what've you got?'
'Eggs, Cereal or toast' I replied.
'Lets have eggs and toast...boiled eggs and soldiers. I like boiled eggs and soldiers, I only ever eat it when I stay over here with you.'
'So, that means you associate it with me?'
'yes'
'So, that means, that in the future, should we ever break up, then you'll never be able to eat them again because they'll be forever associated with me?'
'That's a lovely thought, thankyou so much for that'
I grinned 'Happy 2 year anniversary!' I smiled cheesily.
Mike laughed and cuddled me 'perfectly timed' he replied smiling.

Alison needs...

Ok, basically this was sent to me as an email, but I thought it was hilarious (this may be because I haven't been out of the house in a while) so I thought I'd share it all with you here.
What you do is go to google and type in your first name, followed by the word 'needs'; so for example 'Alison needs' and see what it comes up with. Mine was:

Alison needs males for her art...alison needs older men for her art!!! yes I know, so lads, feel free to leave me a message!

haha- I found it a useful distraction from revision and dissertation- which by the way I finished today! I know! Hurrah hurrah hurrah! I am so relieved...feels like it's been forever, but it's only been 6 months!

The best one by far was for Meryn's b'f- Duncan that I chose to look up:
'Duncan needs to die'!!!!
Followed by the one for Kirsty:
Kirsty needs to look at her relationship with
politicians if she wants to retain her reputation as an independent
commentator

ps. If anyone can tell me why on earth my Ex-English teacher (who is now head of careers at the Uni I recently found out) thinks his English lessons contained many references to giant squid? I think he must have been drinking when he wrote me that email!!!! Unless John the Giant Squid made guest appearances in my English classes, and I've either had a temporary lapse in memory, or was absent for those lessons!

Breasts!

Jack: I wish we'd got a taxi
Ali: Why?
Jack: Because I can't be bothered to walk.
Ali: oh for fucks sake, it's only up the road
Jack: I know, but I had a big dinner and I'm tired.
Ali: well, I have to stop for cash so you can have a b..rest then.
Jack: (looks stunned)
Ali (laughing at another of her faux pas'): I was going to say breather, but changed it halfway to rest....
Jack (amid laughter): that's ok, but all I can think about is breasts now!


Just for the record, there weren't any breasts at the cashpoint, just an idiotic man who stood in front of one of the machines, while waiting for his friend who was using the other...but he wasn't actually using it and thus preventing me from doing so. Why is the world filled with such idiots? Why haven't they been struck down with some idiot disease that has wiped them out by now...although....given the dialogue above...maybe...i'd....fall...into...that..category-no hold that thought, the world is a great place and I love it becuase it is filled with so many diverse individuals, both clever and innanely stupid! :D

Dissertation word count: 14,194!!!

You mean Hastings isn't near Hadrians Wall?

'When was the First World War?' said mike
'ummmm' I thought long and hard, I was taught this the other day 'er...... was it 19.....18...no...er...'
Mike shook his head in dispair making groaning noises.
'Give me a minute....no it was 1914-1918'
'Well done! At least you know when the Second World war was...don't you?' He said to my ever widening eyes.
'oh no' I thought, 'He's going to ask me when it was and I have forgotten'
'Don't you?' he repeated
'Er, not as such' I said
Eventually I found out it was 1939-1945, not, as I previously thought, 1935-1949!
Somehow we then got onto the Japanese in the war

'There were Japanese in the war?'
'Yes ali, there were Japanese in the war, they officially entered the war when they dropped a huge bomb on the US Naval base'
'oh, what naval base?'
'Pearl Harbour' Mike said with his eyes half shut in anticipation of the next question.
'Pearl Harbour?'
'Yes, oh god, please tell me you've heard of Pearl Harbour?'
'Ummmmm, heard of yes, seen, no!'
'Well, the Americans had this base in Hawaii called Pearl Harbour, they have bases everywhere but this one was in the Pacific'
'Hawaii is in the pacific?'
'Yes, oh my god!'
'I always thought it was in the Atlantic, are you sure it's not in the Atlantic?'
'Yes, quite sure'
'Really, now that is interesting. So it's on the West Coast of America, not the East Coast?'
'Yes. In the middle of the Pacific'
'Ah.'
'And the Japanese bombed it'
'See I'd know all this if I'd watched the film' I said.
Mike closed his eyes.
'And when the war ended the Japanese were still fighting, infact we stopped them from fighting by dropping a big fuck off bomb on them, that officially ended the war.' Mike tried to explain
'A big bomb?'
'Yes, a big, big bomb. An atom bomb! Hiroshima, Nagasaki.....'
'Ah, now Hiroshima I have heard of, but not the other one'
'You are wonderfully ignorant aren't you?'

Get away thou foul olive stones

Eating Olives in La Tasca last night, that WEREN'T already stoned, I decided the thing i REALLY don't like about olives, is the stones. They feel bark like on your tongue, all rough and nasty, gives me goosebumps! So i held my olive nibbling bits off of it.
Mike said "will you stop that please?" to which i replied "why?"
"Because it's quite disgusting, put it back in your mouth"
"But I don't like it in my mouth, the stones feel funny on my tongue, I don't like the bark like taste"
"Oh my god, you really are odd aren't you? You won't eat olives with stones in because you don't like the taste of the stone, but if there's a baby octopus, it's a case of 'send it my way'!"














This was Richard's impression of 'baby octopus' that he and I shared on Mike's birthday at Las Iguanas....it's a very good impression!

"I'm sorry, what the hell just happened?"

Ali: what shall i have for dinner today I wonder....(opens fridge)
Nic: I don't know what shall you have for dinner today?
Ali: (looking in fridge) Caaaaaawwwwwwww (does flappy arm movements)
Nic: Caaaaaaaawwwww (does arm movements)
Ali: oooh look, I have leftovers
Nic: yay
Jack: I'm sorry! What the hell just happened?