Edinburgh

Edinburgh is a gorgeous city, it is Georgian enough to remind me of Bath, and therefore feel at home; yet it is old enough, with it's winding streets and narrow closes to be different from Bath and therefore feel exciting and new.
I want to live there, and I am already planning my move there, have been infact all weekend.

'Wheeeeeeeeeeeee' I skidded along Dave's kitchen floor in my socks, 'Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooouccccccch' I watched in horror as one leg went one way and the other went on a trip in the opposite direction and I landed, oh so ladylike on my arse.
'You didn't see that!' I threatened Jack who was, quite possibly, on the verge of wetting himself.

"Ok guys" Said Dave entering the living room that is the size of our house "My dad is trying to be cool, and he wants me to offer you his beer...he's like the dad out of American Pie" Dave sighed.
Minutes later Dad enters the living room
"Did David offer you my beer? I told him to offer you my beer!"
"Yes, dad, I did, they're fine, god you're like the dad off of American Pie"
He looked up towards the ceiling trying to recollect who this was "Och aye, yes, no I don't think so, am I???" He looked slightly horrified.

"While we're here, we should climb Arthurs Seat"
"What's that?"
"It's the mountain" i said gesturing to the other side of Edinburgh
"it's not a mountain, its a hill"
"it's a mountain!"
"Hill"
"Mountain"
"Dave, you live here, is that a mountain?"
"no"
"It is!"
"Ali, it's a fucking molehill, infact you are quite literally making a mountain out of a molehill!"

"Lara, erm, I'm not quite sure how to tell you this, but, well, I tried to convince Dave but apparently there is nothing we can do, er, due to the lack of beds and rooms, it looks like there is no alternative but for you and Ali to be sleeping in my room tonight!"
"Jack, come up with a new line, you say that every time"
"hmmm You said it to me at your party too Jack, to me and Rox"
"He said it to me at his party too!"
"there you go then, Jack, come up with a new catchphrase"
"Bollocks!"

Me talking to Dave's Dad:
"your parrot is very cool, but why doesn't he speak when anyone's in the room?"
"We're not sure, we think he likes to listen to people rather than speak, but he's clever"
"Oh yeah, you can see that, he's constantly watching"
"Aye, and he'll be all quiet like and then suddenly he'll do a really accurate imitation of your voice."
"really?"
"Aye, we hear it all the time, especially when David came back from uni, suddenly the parrot was saying all kinds of things, like 'wax on, wax off', I dunno!" He shrugged his shoulders.

"Did you get the tickets"
"Yes, after a bit of a mix up!"
"What do you mean 'bit of a mix up'?"
"Well, I went up and said, 'Hi I phoned through earlier and reserved 4 tickets' And the guy said 'What name?' So I said 'Fulford' and he looked down the list and went 'hmmmmnope no Fulford' And I started to panic and I was like 'maybe the guy misheard me?' and then to my relief he found the tickets under another name."
"What other name?"
"Furlong, Mr. Furlong!"

"Right, we're going to have a group photo, it's going to be arty, so, Lara in the foreground, then Ali to her right, then Dan behind Ali. Ok? Got it? Right, One, Two, Three, Smile!.....Dan you've got your fucking eyes closed, ok, right again, one, two, three, smile!.....DAN you've fucking done it again. Right, last time; one, two, three.....DAN!!!!!!!"

Doesn't Dan's face just tell you this was the 3rd attempt!

Walking through a French Market in the town with Jack:
"Honey!"
"Yes, Sweetie?"

"Ok, so where is the restaurant" Jack asked into his phone...."yes we're walking along Grassmarket now, we'll be about 5 minutes then, see ya"
"Are you sure we're going the right way?"
"Yes"
"are you positive"
"For fucks sake Ali, yes!"
"Let me see the map"
"See, we are here, and we need to be, ah, right, up there, yes, ok, well, we'll turn back round and go up those steps"
I smiled smugly to myself.
5 minutes later
"Yeah, we're walking along castle street, be with you in 2 minutes, it's near what venue, right ok"..."It's near venue 152"Jack said to me
"Well that's 152 up there"
We walked, we walked further
"Yeh, we're still on castle street, yeah, oh right ok, see you in two"..."we have to keep going to the end of this road"
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, he said keep going to the end of the road"
"I've a feeling it's further back up the road, the other way"
"Ali, it isn't, I promise."
"Ok."
"Er, Excuse me ladies" Jack stops a bunch of ladies "do you know where the Blue Theatre is?"
"No, sorry we don't"
"I'm telling you, it's back there."
"Hi yeah, we're still on castle street" Said Jack whipping out the phone for the umpteenth time "Right, ok, walk back along, ah right, ok yeah, see you in two minutes"
"So?"
"So, we need to turn round and walk back"
"Told you so!"
"Ali, what a stupid idea to come along this way, I told you it wasn't this way!"
I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out
"He said we need to go up the steps, what steps? There are no steps, what the fuck is he talking about?"
"Does he mean the steps we already came up?"
"Ah"...."Excuse me, do you know where the Blue Theatre Restaurant is please?"
"Och aye, no, there is a Blue Cafe by the Traverse Theatre up there though!"
"yes! Yes! That's it! Jack, he mentioned the Traverse Theatre earlier today!"
"right, so we go back up here (this street we've been fucking walking up and down for half an hour) and turn off."
"So we need to turn back AGAIN"
"Ali, that was such a stupid idea to come this way, why did you suggest it!!!!"
"What????? Mr. I know where I'm going don't worry."

Knock Knock
Lara and I looked at each other
"Come in" We said simulataneously
From the other side of the door came "I hope you're both er, decent and er, not doing anything you shouldn't be!"
Lara and I looked at each other and sighed at Jack's lecherous comment!

"hehe, look at you two, beautifying yourselves up!"
"What about it?" I grunted as I battled with a hand held mirror and a tube of foundation that wanted to go over the mirror and not my face
"Nothing, it's just amusing the lengths you go to"

"Jack, why are you holding a pillow?"
"Jack's special!"
"I'm fucking holding it because I bought it for the train and travelling"
"You look so special carrying it up the street"
"Oh for fucks' sake, shut up all of you!"

When in the FIRST CLASS, yes that's right, first class carriage on the way back to Durham Jack entertained us with his middleclass accent:
"Why are we still in the station, no seriously people, why are we still here? I have a game of polo in three hours, I simply CANNOT be late."

Being in First Class clearly went to Jack's head
"I'm so glad we're sat here and not with all the commoners, one finds it such a relief to be away from all the common people!"

Is this just me?

Work based assessment day commenced at 7.00am and my stomach was having a field day doing somersaults- it is clearly far more gymnastic than I am.

They weren't kidding when they said we'd be 'watching a short video' and then preparing a bullet point summary of it. Short is not the word. One and a half minutes long is not short, it is practically non existent!

You know when you sit somewhere, and you think 'is this me?' and then you think 'no, really, I just don't get it, is this just me?'
20 minutes we got to prepare our bullet point summary of a minute and a half long video. That I think is excessive considering bugger all happened in the video- there was no anti-social behaviour or anything. I sat there chewing my pen (which they probably noted) and I couldn't help but think 'this is mental, is this just me that isn't getting this? 20 minutes for a minute and a half long video. Seriously, is this just me? I just DON'T GET IT.'
Of course I couldn't say that, that would have put me at a severe disadvantage in the room, so I chewed my pen silently; however, it is my educated guess that it was not just me that didn't get this, due to the nervous and bemused looks being exchanged across the table between interviewees.

The lights are out, but everyone's home

"So I'll see you tomo...."

Czssshhhhhshshhhhzz

It took me a split second to realise that the phone was no longer working but making the horrible noise, it took a further split second to realise the lights were suddenly off in the street, and now my house and then there was silence...followed by a groan. I kid you not, as my room plunged into darkness the groan, like a mexican wave went up the street.

Ok, so now I was in total darkness, it was approximately 11pm and there was NO LIGHT. I daren't move from my bed to try to go downstairs- my stairs are not lit by emergency lighting and are notoriously steep and narrow- it would, I was sure, only end in me going arse over tit and lots of tears when I hit the wall at the bottom.

I edged along my bed towards the window as my eyes got accustomed to the dark, ferverently I reached out for my candles on the window sil, groping I grabbed one, and cursing myself for not having a torch that worked, I found the lighter I keep there. Once one was lit lighting the other two was easy. It was at that stage a light appeared at the top of my stairs.
"are you ok?" Mike enquired with a torch
"yes" I squeaked "I have just found my candles"
"ah, yes I thought it would be dark up here"

Walking around the house with my candle lantern was oddly romantic, as was the reading of 'A clockwork Orange' that mike treated us to in our living room. Then the hysteria and lack of eating for a second night in a row (I was paintballing with 'youfs' til 10pm) set in.
My body lights are a wonderful invention, and so I danced about the darkened house with them on. Nic told me I looked like a dancing christmas tree, and the wonderful video of this can be seen here! And yes, that is me, remarking in the middle of a powercut:
"aaagghh I can't see, it's dark!"
How intelligent!

The Darkness

So after a gruelling day at work on Wednesday I was greeted to a pitch black street when I arrived home at 9.30pm. I didn't notice this though, what I noticed was the occupants of the street lining it, and a little orange light flashing away further down opposite mike's house. I spoke to a lady and her daughter:
"Oh, are the workmen working now?"
"Yes" woman gave me a look akin to 'can you not see the orange flashing light you half wit?'
"I see" I proclaimed cheerfully
"They've turned the power off!" the woman stated not so cheerfully
"Oh god" I suddenly realised why my road looked odd "so they have, oh no!" I went into panic mode and strode down to a man who was inconveniently talking on his mobile.
Beep Beep My phone called me

'You're not going to like this much, they've cut the power to our street until the early morning' Mike's text informed me
Right. That was it. I've been at work, suffered a night of training, and worse still I HAVEN'T EATEN YET.
"How long is the power going to be off for" I enquired in my sweetest, I'm-so-innocent girly voice.
"'Bout 2 hours love"
"Oh" I sighed (girly I know) "That's terrible, I haven't eaten yet! I've just got in from work and I'm so dreadfully hungry"
Alright, I didnt' use those EXACT words, but enough to worry said workman who sympathised with me, and even more when I explained what my job was.
"Ok" He said sounding business like "Give me an hour and I'll have it back on for you so you can eat, I'm so sorry"
"Thank you so much" I smiled sweetly.

Sure enough, within an hour the lights came back on and I was able to eat my supernoodles!

Jack's party and some choice phrases

Jack's party was better than the journey there, infact, I may even list it as one of my top 5 parties! It was good fun, and I met devil bunny herself.

Some choice phrases as the night got drunker!

"Oh my friend rang me today at 12.03 pm"
"why?"
"well when he was over earlier in the week, i managed to work his 'oh so cool' phone (it has a keyboard and windows, it is a mini computer) and put a reminder on it to ring me. Then i promptly forgot. This meant that he rang me and shouted at me down the phone 'my phone has just gone fucking berserk' I was like 'why?' and 'why are you telling me this, I can't do anything about it'. The reply was 'Ali, I'm telling you because it's because you put a fucking reminder on it it's just gone berserk and I can't turn it off, and you can do something about it, never touch my phone again.' I giggled and told Tim that I didn't think it would actually work to which I got a sigh and then the dial tone"
"ooh that happened to me today too" Said Noel
"how?"
"Well, I borrowed my brothers GPRS Sat Nav thing, and suddenly I'm going down a road at 60 and this thing starts going off, sirens, lights flashing, it wouldn't shut up. I finally figured it's becuase it's trying to tell me there is a speed camera in the vicinity. Only the dumb thing is, even if i'm going on a road that goes under another road, it will pick up the speed camera on the other road. So every 3 miles this thing went berserk at me shouting and screaming and flashing. It was horrible, I'm never borrowing it again."

"These are my uni friends, and uni friends these are my home friends. I'm splitting you into two groups to make it easier."
"Oh so just like apartheid then?"

"Jack, there's a pigeon on your windscreen!"

"Jack, why is the 12 year old girl from next door standing opposite your house, muttering to herself and throwing bread at your house?"
"Perhaps she wants Jack as her pet!"

"I can't give directions me."
"I can't recieve directions. It's really bad, the other day my dad was telling me how to get somewhere 'you go down there, turn there and ...' and my brother interrupted him and said 'no, you go up there, round there and down...' and then my mum said 'no what you want to do is, go round there, up there, down there.' I got in the car and the GPRS sat nav told me to do something completely different from any of them! And I still got lost, I'm never listening to anyone again."


And when I got home:
"It was amazing there was a whole beer full of fridge!"

A new Romantic

I'm more of a cynic than a romantic; ask anyone and they'll more than likely agree- except possibly mike, who has had the rare delight of seeing me as a romantic on several occasions. However, even the most cycnical person to roam the earth couldn't have stayed so after seeing & experiencing what I did.
Let me explain...

Last weekend was Jack's 21st birthday party, which I paid £13.75 and travelled 2 hours and 45 minutes to attend. I had to change trains at Gloucester which is, and I apologise to any Gloucestionians who may be reading this, the most backward hole I've been to in a long time. This view, to put it into perspective, is formed entirely on my experience of the station and nothing else. Not only did I have to wait 40 minutes for my connection, a fate bad enough you may think, but I also really needed the toilet!

First, fleeting impressions were adequate, positive nearly- I did not have to roam far; a mere 20 paces down the platform to a well signed door. I did not hve to part with 20 pence to relieve myself unlike at New Street. It all seemed fine...until I opened the door.
My banished cynicism quickly returned; practically bounding up to me and leaping in my face like a puppy left alone while the owner takes a break from being responsible. I felt like the owner too - i found it suprisingly nice to find there is hope and pleasant fluffy feelings inside of me; it was liberating, but after a while something started niggling at me, telling me something was missing. And when the owner returns, inevitably they are greeted by puppy dog eyes and a cute face, and wonder why they left in the first place - that was me...why did I let go of my cynicism?

I sat on the toilet and then realised there was no loo rol, but of course my bladder not being too well acquainted with my brain had already started to empty. Equally I had failed to pack any tissues. I sighed when I left the cubicle (which was hasty as the toilet made a threatening noise not dissimilar to a car backfiring, upon flushing!) I went to wash my hands; but of course there was no soap, and so I was only mildly suprised upon reaching for the taps to discover they weren't there either! Just as I was leaving another lady entered my cubicle, I inwardly sighed when I saw in the mirror that she checked there was toilet paper first. One day I will get it right! Suddenly I understood why they charge 20 pence at New Street- It ensures there are basics like soap and taps! I left the toilets convinced that I'd contract some horrible Gloucestershire disease that would surely kill me at somepoint in the near future and went to find the waiting room.

What I found was a collection of 12 seats back to back in the lobby of the station, placed for your comfort and convenience, in between the door ot the car park and the door to the platform, with a complimentary chilling through breeze. There were of course more than 12 people 'waiting'. 'Nevermind' I thought 'I'll go and sit on the platform'.
Upon inspection of the cave paintings on the wall I found I was to depart from platform 1. Easy enough. Stepping onto the platform I discovered i was on platform 2. A sign informed me Platform 4 was 'over the footbridge', but as for 3 and 1, well, that was anyone's guess. Platform 3, I eventually spotted was to my left, at the end of platform two and on the other side apparently with the tracks disappearing into the ticket office and toilets. Beginning to catch on to the layout I looked to my right down platform two. I could see a lot of people gathered at the far end of platform 2 some way in the distance, finally I caught sight of a sign informing me platform 1 was '3 miles at the end of platform 2 where all the people are stood you idiot!' Silly me. I walked the 3 miles to find all the benches bar one were taken- you had to wade through a lake of coffee with an island of cake in it to get near it. I risked it.

When on the train of one carriage, my cynicism increased tenfold when the inspector asked to see my ticket 10 minutes before the train had even left the platform. If only they were as stringent with people stealing their taps was all I could think 'or mabye' my cynicism leapt off the scale 'they were new measures put in place to foil any more tap stealing or soap dispensing!'

Things soon started to pick up, by which I mean the train actually left the station, and I'd only been asked twice to show my ticket to the over enthusiastic inspector, when two people got on the train. One sat behind me, the other across the aisle from me. As soon as the woman spoke I wanted to slit my wrists. The voice was deep, and even more worryingly deeply, deeply West Country and very, VERY loud. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm from the West Country and I love the accent. It's unique and bizarrely homely to hear, but this, well, this coupled with the grammar, or lack of, well it was all I could do not to either wet myself laughing or get up and shake her to death! The conversation went something akin to this:

'Arwww, it wars goord to see unkle baaab again, weren't it? 'e 'asn't changerd ar bit 'as he? 'E do make me larf somethin' bard tho'!'
'Yers'
'Owwww 'e do make me larf' Pause ' 'e's so goord int 'e? I feels murch morre happier now innit.' This was followed by what I assume was laughter, but what sounded more like a donkey going into labour. Unfortunately the eager ticket officer, no doubt to check my ticket for the fourth time in ten minutes, chose this moment to appear on the scene.
'Erxcuse me'
'Yes'
'Does this 'ere train go right thro'?'
Baffled the inspector replied 'to where?'
'Werrll, right arn thro'. Or does we 'ave to change art Swindorn?'
'Ah' the inspector caught on 'if you mean London, no, you have to change at Swindon.'
'Arrr' The donkey went into labour again 'only ais thart they's goin' all ther way through like, innit.'
'No, this one doesn't. The longer trains do, but these little ones don't'
'Arr, raight, only ais thort they's go through like. So wer change art Swindorn thern.'
'Yes' the inspector clearly didn't know what to do and chose the safest option of scurrying back up the train, very quickly.
'Tharnks everr so murch for 'elpin' us like, else we wouldn't 'a knowrn whart to do like, innit, like, we wasern't sure like'. She called after him. 'Wer'll change art Swindorn then' she clarified 'Ais glard he told urs like, ais feels a lort more happier now' She said to the whole carriage.

Just as I was seriously considering whether the judge would be lenient on me for strangling her if I explained well enough and used the ticket inspector as my witness, I suddenly forgot everything. The train turned a corner on the side of the hill and suddenly bitterness, hostility and anger were banished, instead hope, happinness and a strange longing filled my soul.

There stretched out for miles was a view that melted me, made me forget everything and totally immersed me. The Cotswold stone cottages scattered among trees and lanes like a perfect model village. Babbling brooks with birds swooping over them wove among the trees. The church perched on the hilltop, the sunlight dappled and dancing through the leaves. The sheep grazing and the lambs skipping among the lush green grass. As my eyes soaked it all up I forgot I was on a train, instead I was convinced at any moment I'd see a fleeting glimpse of a deer in the sunlit forest we were snaking through, or a fox capering among the lush tall grass of a field. Nothing could get to me, and the longing filling me was to be able to roam free in this wonderfully stunning place. It inspired carefree thoughts and a warm, happy feeling, and then, just as suddenly as it arrived, it was swept from view by a tunnel; when we emerged it was endless flat fields and an overcast sky. I felt though that nothing could take from me the feeling, the magic the view had given me; and so I held onto the feeling when I crashed back to earth with a bump, well with the noise of a donkey going into labour actually; and I closed my eyes and smiled, and not a murderous thought entered my head.

Nature truly is an awe inspiring force, I've learnt to hold onto the feeling it gave me, and cast aside my cynical feelings. And now, I'm off to investigate a mysterious rash I'm breaking out in, medical websites assure me its a sure sign of something potentially fatal and more than likely picked up from not washing my hands after using a contaminated toilet...

Three's a Crowd

"I don't know whether or not to keep the NPower bills from last year" Mike mused in Gill's room last night
"I should" I said "Just incase"
"Do you keep your receipts too?" Gilly enquired
"yes"
"Why?"
"I don't know, incase something goes wrong"
"You two" she said indicating to her mike and myself "would be perfect as a couple, if that's not too weird"
"That is a little weird" I said backing away.

Moments later upstairs in my room with my mike

"Gilly says me and her mike would be perfect together because we both keep receipts, I'm scared"
"I keep receipts!" Mike said
"Then we'd be a perfect threesome."

The Air Rescue IS an emergency service!

'Have faith in yourself a little more' is what Tim has just told me.

Apparently Air Rescue exists, and it is an emergency service. It is called Search and Rescue force, and is not part of the RNLI or the coastguard, but they are yellow and operated by the RAF!! Usually they go and find sailors lost at sea, and in that respect they collaborate with the coastguard and RNLI, but they are a separate entity.
According to Tim, who, by the way, I am eternally grateful to for supplying me with this information and making me feel clever again; they also have big planes, but mostly fly helicopters. Hmmm trust a geek (sorry Tim, but your words not mine) who works a LOT with the RAF to know such things, but whom without I would still be ridiculed. Tim, next time you come to visit me drinks are on me!

By the way Wikipedia (which I realised for the first time the other day is Wikipedia and not WiLkipedia - I think I must have just misread it a lot) also has something to say on the subject: but I don't totally trust it as it also lists park rangers as being part of the emergency service which are described as a 'public service' ...true park rangers are public services, but hardly an emergency public service I would have thought!

Anyway, I was right, Mike was wrong, that's all that needs to be said (with a lot of tongue sticking out and 'nah nah nah nah nah, I was right' being chanted.

"Go and look up things you don't know" -"How am I supposed to do that if I don't know them? I don't know what I don't know!!"

"Last night You and Gill were so funny"
"Why?"
"Because it's like you are competing to be the most blonde"
"Well we're not. We can't help it if we don't know stuff"
"yeah but that whole 'what's imperialism', Gill definitely took the lead there. I'm glad you knew what Imperialism meant."
Silence
"You DO know what it means don't you?"
More silence and me averting my eyes from Mike's
"Oh god, I thought you were taking the piss last night when you said 'mints'...you weren't were you?"
Shaking of head
"how? I mean, how do you NOT know what it means?"
"I've never had to"
"But, if I see a word and I don't know what it means, I look it up."
"So do I"
"But you obviously don't"
"I do...it's just that a long time ago, probably when I was 9 or something, I heard the word Imperialism and haven't thought about it since, not til last night. Therefore I've no need to look it up. Incidentally, what does it mean?"
"Ok, what does Imperial sound like?"
Ali pulls various 'thinking' faces
"Ok, lets try again, it sounds like...Imp...IMP...EMP..."
"...ORER. Emporer!" I grinned
"Yes. Right, Ok, and what is an Emporer in charge of?"
"Land?"
"Well, yes, but more specifically?"
"A country?"
"Ye-es...."
"er...Empire?"
"thankyou" Mike started to sound like he was a teacher, I think, contrary to what he thinks, he'd make a fab primary school teacher. Without him I'd not have got to that stage!
"Ok" He tried again "So to have an Empire is...."
"To have lots of land?"
"Yes, but what's it called?"
"Er..."
"Ok, that is Imperialism. Like when we were the British Empire and we had lots of land all over the world. That is Imperialism."
"Right! So is that why the storm troopers in Star Wars were IMPERIAL storm troopers?"
"yes. There was a hub, ie: the deathstar, and they were creating an empire all over the galaxy. Same principle applies here."
"OH, if you'd just said that, I'd have got it!"
Mike sighed "How do you not know these things? In this day and age, when we have dictionary.com? Look, go look up the things you don't know"
"How am I supposed to do that if I don't know them? I don't know what I don't know!" I grinned. I was winding him up spectacularly. He sighed. I decided to switch tracks and actually learn some shit.
"So what did we have?"
"when?"
"When we were an empire."
"The Indian Sub-Continent, Africa..."
"Africa?"
"Yes, Africa, that big country, you know!"
I grinned "I know" I said proudly having now learnt where it is.
"and bits of France when we were at the biggest. And Canada..."
"America?"
"No, not America."
I looked downcast.
"But what about when we went over there...the colonies"
"The colonials?"
"Yes, and the Pioneers. We went over and we then set up colonies and then we went off on wagons - they were the Pioneers."
"That all happened much later. And actually they sat around in swamps on the East Coast for years before going off...and the French were there and we were fighting them."
"the french?"
"yes, the french."
"But, how? We discovered America, how were the French already there?"
" We didn't discover America."
"Yes we did. Christopher Columbus!"
Groan "you think Christopher Columbus was British?!!"